Q: WHO IS JAKE PLUMMER?
A: You probably already know
the answer to that question, but for those of you who accidentally came here instead of the Jake "The Snake" Roberts homepage,
I'll tell you. He's the greatest quarterback ever!!! Okay, that's...not entirely true. Jake Plummer has
been one of the NFL's most exciting QB's for almost a decade. He's been a little inconsistent, partly because he spent
most of his early career with an underperforming Arizona Cardinals team and partially because he has a habit of trying a little
too hard to complete his passes...even when he should just tuck the ball and take the sack. But this is what I love
about the guy. True, if this was the NBA, he'd be called a "chucker," but he doesn't do it for stats, he does it because
he puts the entire game on his shoulders with every throw. This is kind of a flaw, of course, since football is overwhelmingly
a team game. But this determination, along with the fact that he has engineered more 4th-quarter comebacks
than any current QB in the league, makes him a unique and interesting player that stands out from the crowd.
Q: WHY DO YOU LIKE JAKE PLUMMER SO MUCH?
A: See above! Well that, and
he's just exciting to watch. You remember a few years ago, when everyone and their mother was climbing all over Sammy
Sosa (before we found out he was a cheating steroid freak) and treating him like Babe Ruth was walking the earth in modern
times? Well, Sammy Sosa had almost 4 times as many strikeouts in his career as home runs. But that's what made
it so exciting: either he'd crank one out or go down wildly. That's what's so cool about Jake. He's got a cannon
arm and is very athletic, and he's not afraid to take risks. It's gotten him into trouble now and then, but that just
makes him more interesting to talk about. He hasn't won a Super Bowl, you say? Hey, neither did Dan Marino.
TRENT DILFER has a Super Bowl ring. What's your point? Jake's even broken some of John Elway's old records!
I mean that's just nuts! Besides, Jake alternates from looking like a porn star to looking like Jesus over the course
of a season. I mean, you can't overlook the facial hair factor.
Q: YEAH, WHAT'S UP WITH THE HAIR?
A: The hair was originally a tribute
to his former teammate and good friend Pat Tillman, who died in a controversial "friendly fire" incident in Afghanistan in 2004. He grew his hair long like Pat's and let
his beard and moustache go long as well. The look took on a life of its own as Jake combined the hair-do with a career
renaissance. At this point, Jake kind of looked like Jesus, which was great, because everyone loves Jesus! Just
ask Mel Gibson! After he trimmed his head and beard, he kept the moustache, which made him look like an adult film star
from the '70s. You can't go wrong with that look either!
Q: WHY DO THEY CALL HIM "JAKE THE SNAKE"?
A: Because it rhymes, and people aren't
very original. It's like sportscasters with no imagination who simply shorten a player's name or use his initials like
real nicknames. It's stupid. Like, I'm sorry, off subject, but why do we call LaDanian Tomlinson "L.T."?
Is that the best name anyone could come up with? I mean there was already an L.T. in the NFL who was the best player
ever at his position (Lawrence Taylor) who only retired 15 years ago! No one could think of anything even remotely clever?
Let me try...let's see..."LaDynamite"? No...how about "T.N.T."? There. "T.N.T." Tomlinson. Silly?
Maybe. But it's better than re-using "
L.T." Anyway, it's worse in basketball (KG, T-Mac, VC, AI, J-Will, K-Mart...okay, K-Mart is funny) but then most basketball
announcers are dumber than most football announcers. Look at poor Kobe Bryant! Seeing that the modern media is
too lazy and unoriginal to do it now, he got desperate and made up his own nickname, which used to be practically illegal!
Granted "Black Mamba" is dumb and arrogant, but it's a nickname nonetheless! "Jake the Snake" isn't a bad nickname though.
At least his name isn't Dan or Stan. "Stan the Man!" Bah.
Q: WHY DID YOU START THIS WEBSITE? DOESN'T JAKE STILL START FOR THE FIRST-PLACE BRONCOS?
A: Yes, the Broncos, as of the day
I registered this website, were 5-1 and in first place in the AFC West. But the Broncos drafted a quarterback named
Jay Cutler in the first round this year. When it happened, I figured, "That's fine. He'll take a few years to
develop into a good NFL QB while backing up Jake, and when Jake leaves in a few years, boom! The Broncos have another
good QB." And then, the media started their bullcrap. Suddenly, there were stories about Cutler replacing Jake
THIS YEAR just because he had a decent preseason. Hey, last I checked, the preseason was a bunch of practice games against
B-squads. This wasn't Vince Young or Matt Leinart, guys who had won bowl games and awards and championships, this was
Jay Cutler! Jay Cutler seems like a very talented player. But his last year in college, he led Vanderbilt (VANDERBILT?!?!)
to a 5-6 record. The highlight game of the year was when Vandy put up an unlikely 42 points on the Florida Gators--in
a LOSS. What's more important in football? How talented your quarterback seems to be or winning the game?
Fact is, since Jake Plummer signed on in 2003, the Broncos have won 38 games and lost 16, one of the best records in the league
over that stretch. They've lost two Wild Card games to the enormously talented Colts and knocked off the champion Patriots
last year before finally losing to the eventual Super Bowl winner (
Pittsburgh) in the AFC championship. Heck, if you
want to go back to his Cardinals years, Jake once guided the Cards to their first playoff win EVER, over the Aikman/Smith/Irvin-era
Cowboys! The Cardinals have been one of the worst franchises in sports over the last few decades, so it's hard to describe
how significant that really was. It's like if the Clippers were to beat the Spurs in the NBA playoffs--that's what it
was like. Jake Plummer, numbers aside, has been a WINNER. Jay Cutler, talented though he may be--and I may even
become a fan of his someday--has never been a leader on a winning team, let alone ever won a BIG GAME. So a few weeks
into the season, Denver
had only lost one game...and people were STILL calling for Jay Cutler! Jake isn't having the best season ever, but he's
WINNING. He's doing enough to insure the victory, like when he threw 2 TDs to beat the Patriots in New England in week 3, or when he tossed the winning touchdown to Rod
Smith against Baltimore (supposedly the best defense in the AFC at
the time) in week 5. And people were still calling for Jay Cutler! I'd had enough. Here was a veteran, a
guy who had proven he could take a team to the playoffs--a Broncos team that played in a tough division and was not as talented
as many other NFL teams--and who had maintained a level of excellence that most franchises would run over their grandmothers
for...and people are STILL calling for Jay Cutler! As one of Jake's biggest fans I felt it was my duty to spread the
word and tell the world:
LET PLUMMER PLAY!!!
Q: DUDE, DON'T YOU TAKE THIS A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY?
A: Don't YOU have a hobby? I'm
not completely slamming Cutler, I'm just a Jake fan with a few extra minutes to spare each week. This isn't brain surgery
you know.
Q: WHAT IF CUTLER'S THE REAL DEAL?
A: If he is, great! Wonderful!
I'll admit I'm wrong and remain a Broncos fan. But until Jake starts actually blowing games and putting up LOSSES instead
of the WINS he contributes to now, I say he's succeeding. Why do you replace someone who succeeds with someone who *might*
succeed based on speculation? There are a lot of QB's probably bagging groceries now that people thought *might* succeed:
Todd Marinovich, Ryan Leaf, Akili Smith, Dan McGwire, David Klingler...all first rounders, highly touted. Let's give
Plummer a chance to really truly FAIL before we replace him with a guy who has never really led a team to a great record (unless
he was great in high school. If he was great in high school--BIG FAT HAIRY DEAL. Hey, my truck-driver dad was
great in high school, what's your point?)
Q: WHAT IF PLUMMER SUDDENLY STARTS BLOWING GAMES AND LOSING?
A: See above. But you don't
stop liking your heroes because they fail. Are USC fans supposed to hate Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush for losing the
Rose Bowl last year? I'm not a big fan of the bandwagon. In fact I hate the bandwagon--probably why I dislike
the Plummer/Cutler thing in the first place. The Cutler bandwagon is built on a big fat *
maybe* and that just bugs the crap out of me.
Q: WHY DOES THAT BUG YOU?
A: I think a more valid question is
why doesn't it bug YOU?
Q: ADMIT IT, AREN'T YOU A LITTLE, YOU KNOW--GAY--FOR JAKE PLUMMER?
A: No, no. I love women.
Now if I were gay, sure, Jake would be on my hot list. Except when he has the "Jesus" look going...that seems a little
sacrilegious.
Q: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF JAKE PLUMMER E-MAILED YOU ABOUT THIS SITE?
A: Request a nude photo...for my sister,
of course.
